Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
