If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
