You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
