So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
