Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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