My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
