Just fell off a train. Bad.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
