I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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