Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
