I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
