3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Houston, we have a blender
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
