hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
