Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
