I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
