I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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