What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
