One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
