So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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