then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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