Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
