hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
