Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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