This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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