so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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