things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
