sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
