so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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