Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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