He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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