You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
