GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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