i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
