im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
