Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
