Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
