Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I AM VODKA MAN
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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