Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
