i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I still have a little drunk in my system
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
