Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
