and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
