i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
