Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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