we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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