Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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