Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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