I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
