Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
