It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
