John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
