I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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